Narcissistic Centreing In the Story

Narcissists insert themselves inside every story. It happened to them, or they know who it happened to, or they went to that place once, or they once said something to the person affected etc. Even if there is no connection to whatever is happening, it becomes about the Narcissist as they tag alone with the person at the centre, or introduce them or retell their story. They turn up for drama and they create drama around themselves. You can tell this is happening because without them, life is PEACEFUL.

In Narcissistic bullying, the Narcissist still makes it all about them. They bully their victim obsessively, constantly surveil them and report every small thing back to their Enablers and Flying Monkeys, with spin added, of course. This is all done through the lens of how what the victim does affects THEM. They become part of the story by being the thing affected by whatever is going on. THEIR point of view, THEIR personal story, twist, experience or spin. THEIR hurt when their victim finally calls them out etc. Then they will milk attention as they turn themselves into the victim.

Some types of Narcissists only show up for the big stories and spend all their time seeking them out. They can be the neglectful parent who turns up when there is a scary-sounding diagnosis etc they can tell everyone about, (and tell them how worried and upset they are, thereby getting the attention rather than the sick person). Or when the kid becomes famous for something. They can be the Narcissist constantly trying to start fights or the one with a ridiculous number of selfies seeking attention. They may be the one with a quiet job who centres themselves in the workplace, stealing attention from everyone else in the room, maybe taking on the roles of others (and then probably complaining about it).

Basically, a hallmark is if you know who they are and perhaps wouldn't expect to in that context. Or to put it another way, if you ever want to scream 'IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!'

Features of Narcissistic Bullying

 

Whether covert or overt Narcissism, a few patterns seem to recur when the bully is a Narcissist:

 

1.     It’s Laser-Focused on One Person/ Group

Criticism or observation tends to call out problems, flaws or mistakes more generally. Narcissists tend to focus on one person or group. They may even group many together to create one ‘enemy’ to focus on. The Narcissist will ignore the same behavior in one person/ group that they scream about in their victim. They are biased and hypocritical.

 

2.      It’s Very Dualistic, ‘Us and Them’ Way of Categorising People

Narcissists live by the ‘you’re either with me or against me’ way of thinking. They do not accept neutrality, unbiased observation or constructive criticism or feedback. They will take this as someone being on the other person’s ‘side’ or generally ‘against them’, when this is not how most people think.

 

3.      They Manipulate and Recruit Enablers and ‘Flying Monkey’s to Be on Their Side

Most people will have a problem with someone and leave it at that. They will try and find ways to deal with them or work around them. A Narcissist will actively try and get people on their side to agree with them, fight for them, cover for them, lie for them, spin, attack their victim, over-represent the Narcissist’s good qualities and represent the Narcissist as a victim of the actual victim. Increasing collusion, complicity and divisiveness against a ‘common enemy’ of some sort, especially in the face of contradictory evidence, is a hallmark of Narcissistic Abuse.

 

4.      They ONLY Filter Everything Through the Lens of How it Affects Them or What They Think

Narcissists don’t give equal weight to others’ points of view or see the big picture. They are also extremely biased. If they can spin the smallest thing their victim said or did into something about them, it becomes the biggest issue in the room. If an event affects everyone, somehow it affects the Narcissist MORE. Everything they do turns on the tide of how they personally feel at that moment.

 

5.      The Bully Has Something to Gain from the Attack

Bullying is a power play for a Narcissist. They bring down people they find threatening and/ or use a person or situation to gain what they need for their own Narcissistic Supply – power, money, attention, status, notoriety, career advancement even sympathy. By making someone else look bad, they make themselves look good by comparison or focus the spotlight on themselves. If that person is also the biggest threat to them getting their Narcissist Supply, (such as someone who outperforms them), then it’s a two for one deal.

 

6.      They Go Low

The only thing that will set the lowest standard of behavior for a Narcissist is consequence. This is why they create a culture of Enabling around them – sycophants or ‘yes’ men who either look the other way or assist the Narcissist in getting what they want.

 

7.      They Hate Accountability and will Blame Those Who Call Them Out

The behavior of Narcissists festers in the dark. That is why they particularly hate those who disagree with them and who call their behavior out. They see those who hold them to account as people who have betrayed them and broken their trust (or as people who are bullying THEM). Narcissists genuinely expect to be able to do whatever they want without censure, criticism or accountability because at their heart, they believe that they are special, the world should revolve around them and that the rules don’t apply to them. They seem genuinely shocked and hurt that others don’t consider them above reproach too.

 

8.      They Never Learn from Their Mistakes

Narcissists deflect criticism, usually blaming others, (such as those who called them out), or finding another excuse for their behavior. They don’t take on board what has been said and then adjust their behavior or attitudes. They are immutable in their belief that they are perfect, superior and infallible and that the fault is always with others.

 

9.      They Can’t Concede Their Mistakes or Apologise

Narcissists only apologise when there is no other way out. They completely lack introspection.

 

10.   They Run Smear Campaigns and Abuse their Victim Constantly

Narcissists will continue to attack their victim, personally or behind their back, constantly. What they say is not really triggered by something the victim has said or done. It is not a response like criticism of something that just happened – it feels like it is coming out of the blue. However, they will often bring up something from the past to justify the abuse in the present.

 

11.   Narcissists are in Constant Surveillance Mode

Narcissists observe and obsess over their victim, constantly waiting for their victim to slip up, threaten the Narcissist, (just by being themselves such as outperforming the Narcissist), or to do anything that the Narcissist can use against them. They tend to focus on their victim over everything else, such as talking about a small, (irrelevant), thing that their victim did again and again. In their obsession, they ignore more important things.

 

12.   They Do Not Let Anything Go, Forgive or Move On

Narcissists remember everything about their victim to be use it as weapons later on.

 

13.   They Hold Grudges and Seek Revenge

More than not forgetting, Narcissists hold grudges against people and will get disproportionate revenge whenever they can, often repeatedly. They will perceive it as fighting back after having been poorly done by. This may be for something as small as a joke or ‘off the cuff’ remark that they took to be about themselves and that they took to heart.

 

14.   They Have Double Standards About Behaviour

While Narcissists expect to do whatever they want, sink as low as they would like or be above rules and boundaries, they expect everyone else to behave impeccably at all times and will use any deviation from that standard as ‘a stick to beat you with.’ And it’s never forgiven or forgotten, let alone framed within the context of the good their victim has done. Narcissists can make mistakes etc, but their victims cannot. Ever.

 

15.   They Never Give Credit

The flip-slide of bullying is that the Narcissist never gives credit for anything the victim does well, unless they absolutely can’t avoid it. Generally it will be insincere, hypocritical and will be turned into an attention-seeking event by the Narcissist. It will also be used forever more as ‘evidence’ that the Narcissist was so ‘nice’ and ‘fair’ to the victim when they decide to play victim later on.

 

16.   You Can’t Win

The different rules that apply for different people means that victims can’t ‘win’. If they respond to the bullying by ignoring it, the Narcissist takes the silence as complicity or permission to bully more. If the victim speaks up, they are met with more abuse and Narcissistic Rage. If the victim returns the rage, (even after months of taking abuse) then the Narcissist will get them into trouble for the rage the victim showed while disregarding their own behavior. Even showing assertiveness against the behavior is taken as ‘rage’. The victim cannot win.

 

17.   They Play the Victim (and it’s Hypocritical)

The other power play from the ‘you can’t win’ scenario is that any reaction from the victim to being bullied is then used as evidence that they are attacking the Narcissist. The Narcissist quickly turns into a ‘victim’ and tries to pull sympathy from those around them, especially their previously recruited Enablers and Flying Monkeys. These will swing in to attack the victim’s treatment of the Narcissist and they will perceive the victim as the bully. It doesn’t matter how calm, patient and measured the victim is – in fact, this behavior really infuriates the Narcissist and will make them goad the victim more. Once the Narcissist feels any criticism on their behavior they, (and their Enablers), will instantly turn it onto the victim and look for the smallest nose twitch to show that the victim is bullying the poor Narcissist. And never mind the gapingly obvious double standards and hypocrisy as to how the Narcissist et al have been behaving.

 

18.   The Bullying is Exhausting, Dramatic and Chaotic

The Narcissist not only stacks the deck against the victim by recruiting people to be on their side, never letting the victim win and by having no depths to which they won’t go. The Narcissist also wins by exhausting the victim and those around by creating chaos, confusion and drama. This not only means that the victim is too tired to fight off the attacks, but that those around start to resent the problems and toxic environment and may even start to blame the victim too, as the Narcissist taught them. The Narcissist is high energy due to their hypervigilance, which people are often drawn to, not seeing the reason for their never switching off. Another hallmark of Narcissistic Abuse – being abused or around the abuse - is really craving peace, aloneness, sleep and quiet.

 

19.   The Narcissist is the Common Denominator

The first time the Narcissist creates this cycle, most people will not see through their behavior and they will blame the victim. That victim generally goes, however, and the Narcissist will find a new victim to obsess over and focus on. This is most likely anyone who ever ‘sided with’ or showed empathy for the previous victim. It is often only after the cycle has repeated a few times that people will see the Narcissist for who they are and perceive the toxic, low-ball, chaotic and dramatic environment that they create. Or they perceive the peace, quiet and respectful environment when they are gone. However, by then the Narcissist has generally played their way to a position of power and authority and have increased the circles of Enablers they have recruited and manipulated to ‘protect’, help and defend them.

The Difference Between the Golden Child and the Hero (Common Misunderstandings)

A common mistake in understanding the Narcissistic (or Alcoholic) family roles is confounding the Hero and Golden Child roles. While in smaller families, they tend to be the same child, in larger families there is room for different children to have different roles.

The Hero is the child that the parent idolises for their talent, though this will expand as the Narcissist will ensure that they are a winner in all aspects of their life. Usually that talent is something that the Narcissist also has pride in and is never anything that the Narcissist envies or can't relate to. Thus a parent who is proudest of their sporting achievement will promote the sportiest child. Alternatively, a parent threatened by intelligence will reject intelligent children until the children learn to hide it. Usually the Narcissist lives vicariously through the ACHIEVEMENTS of the Hero but also gets supply in how their successes reflect on them.

The Hero is the child that the Narcissist will (physically) do the most for and invest the most in, even cannibalising (or stealing) resources from other children to help them succeed (in the most extreme cases). The Hero Child is, by most accounts, often not aware of how much they were favouritised, and tend to assume that all children had the same opportunities, resources and chances to build confidence as they did.

The Golden Child is the EMOTIONAL extension of the Narcissist. This is the child who only has to whimper at how unfair something is, or how hard done by they are, or how hard something is, or how much another child is annoying them for the Narcissist (and those around the Narcissist) to come running to the rescue to help them and take away away pain or threat. The Golden Child is the Narcissistic parent's chance to redo their own life as they felt they deserved it and make it all better. The Narcissist gives the Golden Child everything they emotionally wanted, which can also be gifts, holidays etc if these things are valued as an expression of love and emotion, as opposed to the Hero who is given what they need - such as sporting equipment, training camps and educational expenses - to achieve.

The Narcissist over-identifies with the Golden Child, often living vicariously through the EMOTIONAL experiences of the child. They become enmeshed, unable to see the boundaries between each other (particularly the Narcissist). Thus, they cheat, favouritise, bully and move the goalposts to protect the emotions of the Golden Child. The Golden Child becomes entitled, sub-conciously believing that they are more important than everyone else, and will resent any attention going to others. This may often, (covertly or passive-aggressively), pit the Golden Child against the Hero, though not to the same extent as all children will exclude or will attack the Scapegoat.

Providing what the children need or protecting them emotionally is of course what parents DO, but the marker or warning sign in Narcissistic families is the difference in how these are provided to different children, and often not at all to some children. Thus, everyone will rally around the Golden Child when sick or in crisis to provide an emotional buffer from the world. The Narcissist will recruit all children to come to their aid. However, if the Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child need help, they are abandoned and rejected. Often the thought of them needing help creates a feeling of resentment or even ridicule in family members. (Unless people are watching), there is no phone around for support or rallying cry, or their plight is minimised or excuses found as to why their problems are their fault. Under normal circumstances, the majority of empathy and care is reserved for the Golden Child. 

There will be cases. such as serious illness, weddings or the birth of a child, where that attention and care goes to one of the other (adult) children, particularly if the Narcissist uses (medical) drama as a source of Narcissistic Supply. This usually creates incredible amounts of friction and jealousy, especially in the Golden Child.

Similarly, the majority of family resources go to helping the Hero Child succeed. The rallying cry will be more along the lines of compulsory attendance at their sporting events, although that child, (or anyone else), rarely attends events important to other children. In the case of the Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child, they may have noone attend their events, such as competitions, sporting events, exhibitions, graduations or award nights. Moreover, any success they have - unless credit can be given to the Narcissist - is usually silenced. They are not allowed to talk about shields they won, awards they have, their talents or skills or marks they got, as it not only draws attention from the successes of the Hero, but it threatens the emotions of the jealous and fragile Golden Child. The Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child will often attend graduations and award nights by themselves if the Narcissist can avoid them without looking bad. Often, they will avoid them anyway, such as the bitter parent who won't come to the wedding of a child as the child is getting so much attention. And when they do attend, the Narcissist will often discount the child's success, act up or appear put out.

These roles however, like all roles in the Narcissistic family, are not set. At different times, different children may be the Hero or the Golden Child. However, as the over-identification/ Enmeshment and favouritism/ reward aspect are similar in both children, (and the opposite of other roles which involve abandonment/ neglect and punishment/ rejection), more often than not these roles will alternate between the same two children. In smaller families, they are collapsed into the same role. Occasionally though, the Hero may be the person going through final exams, or having a child etc, as they have the most chance of bringing drama and glory to the Narcissist.

Where the roles are more stable over time, the general difference you will notice is the emotional health of the Hero compared to that of the Golden Child. The Hero child will have had all of their physical needs met and will have received support, encouragement and praise when they succeeded or worked hard. This child is generally the most emotionally healthy of all the children of this family. They will still have issues, such as a driving need to succeed or prove themselves, or fear of failure, but generally they avoid the emotional abuse dished out to the Scapegoat and Golden Child, or the abandonment of the Caregiver/ Martyr or Lost Child.

The Golden Child, on the other hand, is highly enmeshed with the Narcissistic Parent on an emotional level. They are not allowed to succeed to the same extent as the Hero to restrict competition to that child, but also to keep the Golden Child close and malleable or available. Their emotions are buffered to such a degree that they develop a warped sense of the world and everyone in it. They do not get the opportunity to fail, or struggle and then overcome, or the independence and confidence that comes from this. Thus they are highly anxious and fearful, and look externally to get many of their needs met, often feeling helpless and then abandoned when others don't fix things for them. This usually creates feelings of resentment for the abandonment, often aimed at the Caregiver for not fixing things, the Scapegoat because everything is their fault, the Hero for getting so much attention and help or the Narcissist for not making their life perfect as they come to expect. (though of course, this resentment is usually expressed behind these people's backs as Golden Children are often highly manipulative and always work the system). In addition to resentment, they often use pity to get attention and resources, which the Narcissist overreacts to and thus rewards because they 'feel' their pain, even when the reality of the Golden Child's life is far from requiring pity.

The Golden Child learns to focus outwards instead of developing introspection as they lose their own feeling of control or agency, being so controlled by the Narcissist. They may resent the other children's (often forced) independence. They are spoilt and overprotected to the extent that they feel entitled to more than other children get, and demand attention and signs of affection that should be shared equally. This may make them Narcissistic themselves, which in turn makes them highly over-competitive and jealous. 

In addition, this molly-coddling binds them to the family, the only place where they are treated as they come to expect or demand. The rest of the world does not treat them so well and so they often become frightened or resentful of the way people outside the family treat them. They usually complain about other people incessantly. They often have to find friendships within the family, including with the Narcissistic parent who has the same problems with the rest of the world. Thus, they continue to lose independence from the family, unlike the Hero who has been given the confidence and resources they need to succeed and represent the family in the best light possible.