Appreciation

Narcissism vs. Vanity - The Differences Between Vanity and Narcissism

Many people confuse vanity with Narcissism, as old definitions of Narcissism involved being in love with one's own looks. However, Narcissism in the sense of Narcissistic Abuse is quite different. This video explains the main differences:

Narcissism vs. Vanity

20 Ways to Tell if Your Boss, Co-Worker or Client is a Narcissist

There are many different types of Narcissist, so it’s difficult to narrow down 5 or so behaviours that are common to all. Many people know about the loud-mouthed, self-promoting type or believe that all people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are vain. 

However, a Narcissist can also be the ‘social butterfly’ who is always giving complements to people while complaining about them behind their back, or the person with crystals on their desk who throws a tantrum whenever anyone points out a mistake. 

Many office bullies are also Narcissists, especially the ones that most people in the office think are kind, loving and sweet. They tend to have a few people that they secretly use and victimise.

It’s also important to remember that Narcissism is a spectrum disorder in the sense that Narcissists may range from self-involved and overconfident to having a quite extreme mental illness. Narcissists can also have characteristics of other personality disorders which will affect how they respond in certain situations. This can include Antisocial Personality Disorder which gives the Narcissist sociopathic traits such as manipulating or ‘playing’ other people, lying, cheating, stealing, bullying and physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse. It is difficult to know the boundaries between these personality disorders at times as there can be a lot of crossover.

Here is a list of the most common characteristics or behaviours of Narcissists. This may help you recognise if you are dealing with Narcissism and to understand the reason behind these behaviours. Not everyone who shows a few of these behaviours from time to time is a Narcissist, but if much of this regularly applies to a person then it’s a fair indication if that is the disorder you are dealing with.

1.      They’re NEVER Wrong (Especially When They Are)

True Narcissists avoid responsibility for failures by any means necessary. They automatically blame other people, either intentionally, or unconsciously by projecting their own faults, faults and failures onto others. They also use language that implicitly blames others, such as ‘you’ statements, even when ‘apologising’. They will say ‘I am sorry that you didn’t receive the payment’ rather than ‘I’m sorry I didn’t pay you’, or ‘I’m sorry you didn’t want to accept my apology’ instead of ‘I’m sorry I hurt you that much.’

            2. They Need to Be the Centre of Attention

Whether giving a talk or presentation, being in a meeting or queening in the lunchroom, the Narcissist HAS to be the centre of attention, and will often speak over others or be hostile to them if they draw attention away from or outshine them. In the Narcissist’s eyes, they are the most intelligent or competent person in the room and therefore are in charge or should be heard from regularly. They will even happily tell others how to do their job.

The ‘queening’ type of Narcissist considers themselves ‘just really social’. The difference between being social and being a Social Narcissist is that Narcissists don’t enjoy other people’s contributions as much as their own, and may even ignore them, dismiss them, ridicule them, counter them or interrupt them. They usually make all conversations about them and even hijack conversations to go in this direction. They also like to look bored when other people are speaking.

Some Narcissists use other means to get attention (called Narcissistic Supply), such as creating dramas or complaining and explaining endlessly about their illness and special needs. Narcissist often exaggerate conditions in order to be ‘special’ (though obviously not everybody with an illness or who has special needs is a Narcissist).

Narcissists will either ‘take the lead’ in group conversations or planning meetings in order to control the conversation and outcome, or will sulk because someone else has done so.

           3. They ‘Suck Up and Kick Down’

Narcissists are extremely aware of and create hierarchies everywhere they go – those who they consider above them and those they consider below. This may be according to actual management structures or other things that the Narcissist thinks are important, such as attractiveness.

Narcissists will present their best self to those in authority or those they admire and will try and win their affection with gifts or invitations (known as ‘Love-Bombing’). However, they will blame, use and/ or abuse people that see as vulnerable or ‘below them’. This is what is so frustrating for their victims – because of their two-faced nature many victims see their complaints fall on managers’ deaf ears.

Further, Narcissistic employers often actively seek certain characteristics in employees that they believe will make them more easily manipulated, used and/ or abused. Therefore many actively recruit (single) parents or working mothers, self-employed freelancers, older people, illegal immigrants or anyone else they believe is vulnerable.

           4. They Self Promote Endlessly (Talk Themselves Up)

Narcissists will always draw attention to what they think are their best features, whether their work achievements, intelligence, ambition, dress sense, popularity, skill, attractiveness or other quality. (This may not actually line up with reality and other’s perception of them). Their obsession about these things is constant, excessive and inappropriate to the context.

The way they draw attention may be obvious – such as endless selfies in the same pose – or be more subtle, like complementing someone else’s wardrobe to get a compliment back. Narcissists are also often name-droppers – success-driven Narcissists will regularly tell you their association with someone important or tell you the rank and occupation of someone they know. If they do something well, have an achievement or do a hard or ‘dirty’ job, you will hear about it so much that you feel they practically hired a band.

They also promote themselves by complaining endlessly about other people’s performance, thus implicitly saying that their own performance is excellent by comparison. If that person instead has a success, the Narcissist will try and ‘top it’ by telling people something more impressive.

          5. They Put Other People Down

Narcissists are very two-faced, showing one face to some people and another to those they trust or they have power over. To these people they will be mean, bitchy and put other people down (even those they were nice to 10 seconds ago). This criticism is often brutal and constitutes bullying. It is a dominance or controlling behaviour, attempting to create and maintain a self-serving hierarchy. It also gives those people they ‘confide in’ about their hatred of another person a sense of being entrusted with a secret, a trick used by abusers to groom and recruit victims, Complicit Conspirators, Incidental Collaborators and Enablers.

Because this behaviour is intentionally secretive, it can be extremely difficult to expose. The victim can sense that negative things are being said about them by the reaction of the people ‘confided in’ or the way the Narcissist is suddenly quiet when they approach (usually an intentional ploy to unsettle the victim). The victim cannot confront their accuser or address whatever has been said to those confided in because they don’t know what it is. If they ask the Narcissist, the Narcissist will either deny it, play the ‘victim so wrongfully accused’ or tell the victim that ‘they should know’. The people who were confided in cannot tell the victim because it is ‘secret’ and they assume the Narcissist is just letting off steam and worse, that there is some truth to the allegations. They don’t realise that it is part of a longer term strategy on the part of the Narcissist and they are being played.

           6. They Create a ‘Posse’

Narcissists always hide behind other people. They instinctively find safety in numbers and so actively recruit people by ‘Love-Bombing’ and grooming. They will cultivate a personal relationship with some colleagues to create alliances at work. Once they believe they have loyal followers to side with them in arguments and problem situations (known as ‘Flying Monkeys’), they can bully, harass, intimidate, blame and use others more openly. They may even have people who join in (Complicit Conspirators).

The Narcissist will punish people who speak up about their behaviour, (they usually have a track record of complaints against them), and so create an atmosphere of fear and intimidation in positions of power. They train observers to be silent and therefore complicit in this way (Incidental Collaborators).

The long term effect of this behaviour, (or when severe abuse, money, power and prestige are involved), is that the Narcissist in power cultivates an empire of only Enablers and Flying Monkeys, or ‘Yes Men.’ This is the only time that they are close to content. The Flying Monkeys act as minions, doing the dirty work and keeping them happy. The Enablers provide emotional support and resources and turn a blind eye to the Narcissist’s abuse of others and obvious mistakes. Many life partners are Enablers in Narcissists’ toxic businesses. This gives the Narcissist the resources and opportunity to make their own hierarchial unreality bubble, with them at the top, only hearing what they want to hear from people prepared to flatter them, be abused by them and at best cajole them into doing what is needed. The Narcissist and the company itself increasingly loses touch with reality.

           7. They are Cheap and Miserly

Most Narcissists are extremely cheap with their own money but very casual with other people’s (unless they are Love-Bombing). You’ll find that you are picking up the tab on the big expenses and they pay less and less often. They may also hoard resources and are reluctant to share unless lots of people are watching.

Narcissists pay a lot of attention to other people’s financial affairs and spending, and often express an opinion or feel a claim on other people’s money. They can be financially abusive, not paying employees, restricting access to money and resources, delaying payments, asking employees to justify any claims and otherwise attempting to control people in any way they can, especially if running their own business. They also believe that they are worth more than others. For example, a Narcissist receiving a grant will take the majority of the money by charging a higher rate for their services, then tell other workers that there was no sufficient grant money to pay them properly.

Narcissists often give the impression (or say directly) that others don’t deserve their fees, so they will try and shortchange them, (or not pay them at all), will argue over the number of hours spent and are critical of people expecting or needing money as if being paid is a personal attack on them, especially if it is the Narcissist’s own business.

           8. They Sabotage Projects and Other People

Narcissists often sabotage projects by their own mistakes, because of their lack of actual skill and knowledge, by changing their mind, by a lack of direction, focus or drive and by setting up co-workers and employees to fail. They may not provide enough information or resources for others to complete the work, may change direction partway through or may always be ‘unhappy’ with others’ work, another blaming strategy that deflects from (or hides) their own lack of capacity.

Often this sabotage arises out of their fear of failure and the effect failure would have on their status. However, it is often the way they (don’t) deal with this fear that leads to failure. Generally, Narcissists don’t have the internal resources to deal with that insecurity and threat of ‘losing face’; they can’t tolerate their lack of control in domains outside of their expertise; they lack enough imagination to envisage a good outcome; they lack the internal fortitude to persevere and persist; they lack the introspection needed to assess and then change their own behaviour according to need; they lack the empathy needed to get the best results from other people; and/ or they lack confidence in the capacity of others.

Because they are terrified of making a mistake, a poor decision or producing poor quality work, they actively sabotage projects. They cancel contracts partway through, don’t complete work, suddenly need to withdraw from the project and hand it over to someone else, never finish the project (constantly saying it needs changes or moving the goal posts) or employ new people who they can blame for the project’s failure. Employees usually experience this as compliments and positive feedback one day and then insults and despair the next. Alternatively, the Narcissist will irritate, goad, string along and generally disappoint the client until they withdraw from the project, giving the appearance that the Narcissist is ‘blameless’ or, even better, a ‘victim’ of the client’s irrational behaviour.

Narcissists are also likely to overload other workers and then blame them for slowing the project or workflow. This is a ‘set up to fail’ strategy that makes other workers look incompetent (and therefore the Narcissist look better), and also positions the Narcissist as the poor victim of other workers, giving them the opportunity to vent rage and receive Narcissistic Supply in the form of sympathy and admiration (for having to put up with so much).

This ‘work dumping’ also reduces the Narcissist’s own workload. Most Narcissists work far less than they will have other’s believe and will dump any work, especially thankless or dirty work, whenever they can. They may achieve this by quietly and unofficially re-allocating the responsibility for a job in their mind, often not even asking the other person to take it on. The first that person hears of it is second-hand through someone else, often when being publicly blamed for not doing it.

The employees who have been allocated an impossible workload are put into a lose-lose situation where they have to decide between encroaching on their own personal time with their family and other commitments (often for no pay), or being bullied for not putting enough time and effort at work. This situation is a win - win for the Narcissist – on one hand they have a source of Narcissistic Supply if the employee decides work (and therefore the Narcissist) is more important (not to mention free labour). If the employee chooses family, the Narcissist has a ‘stick to beat them with’- a weapon to use against them. Narcissist bosses often complain about employees who leave on time, even when they have no intention to pay them for staying longer.

Narcissistic organisations have a culture of unpaid overtime, lost lunches, weekend meetings and training, taking work home and fraudulent time sheets that only meet Occupational Health and Safety requirements on paper. This results in high levels of stress, illness, injury and, in some occupations, even fatalities.

           9. They Take Credit for Other People’s Work

While Narcissists automatically blame other people for mistakes, problems and failings, they are quick to take credit for group projects or other people’s work. They often self-nominate as the spokesperson for a successful enterprise, then may take an unfair share of the credit or personalize what belongs to the group.

Similarly, they will fail to credit employees or coworkers for their contribution. Often this is because they haven’t noticed what that contribution is or because they naturally diminish other people’s work and skill compared to their own.

Alternatively, they will take credit for finding or training the person getting any accolades. If the praise for the other person is public, the Narcissist will either suddenly become their best friend and greatest admirer to catch reflected glory, or will openly become hostile, abusive, jealous and/or critical of them.

1          10.  They Don’t Respect Boundaries or Rules

Narcissists believe that they are above everyone else and that the rules do not apply to them. They are likely to be openly hostile about or critical of rules and authority figures and will try to flaunt rules wherever possible to prove their superiority, authority or ‘specialness’.

They will cross boundaries in many small increments at first, such as leaving early or spending too long at lunch where they almost dare other people to mention it. (Another reason why they ingratiate themselves with superiors). They may make decisions above their pay grade or job description, or take authority that’s not theirs, for example, the receptionist who won’t let an ill patient leave a message for the doctor, or the Executive Assistant who vets job applications before passing them onto Human Resources. They may also ‘teach’ others at the same pay grade as them how to do their job, assuming non-existent authority. Over time these encroachments may increase in severity, such as committing fraud, denying people needed medical care, stealing or using corporate credit cards for personal expenses and so on.

The Narcissist will always have a reason for each boundary violation, which I like to call ‘plausible deniability’. Their reasons or excuses sound rational, reasonable or understandable. However, they become the rule rather than the exception and each boundary violation gets a little more daring or extreme. To see through the smokescreen, look at the overall pattern, rather than each individual event. Also, look at the excuses themselves. Narcissists will debate any change in rules from their perspective, rather than that of the greater good.

The boundaries in a workplace also include the allocation of resources and privileges, such as office space, quality computer screens or comfortable chairs. Some Narcissists will say that they ‘need’ special accommodations in the workplace that gets them attention or is a special privilege (different to a genuine need). These accommodations will all seem plausible and reasonable at first but will increase over time. The Narcissist will keep drawing people’s attention to how special they are because of these accommodations.

When the Narcissist is in authority over others, they will use privileges to reward loyalty. They are also likely to hold others strictly to the rules they themselves may flaunt. They often punish rule breakers, especially their usual victim or Scapegoat.

In addition to work-related boundaries, Narcissists cross people’s personal and professional boundaries and may be inappropriate, invade privacy or ask overly personal questions. This gives them information about how to manipulate the other person, including watching how that person reacts to those questions or observing how much they will share. This over-familiarity also creates the perception of closeness to the person, another grooming/ recruiting technique many abusers use.

           11.  You Always Have a Sense That You Are Somehow Competing With Them

Narcissists compete with everybody, all the time. They constantly watch what everyone else is doing and make sure that they aren’t being outshone. They consider most people, (especially intelligent, attractive, popular or competent people), as potential threats, especially those at about the same paygrade or with the same social status as them.

If you have been targeted in this way, you may get a feeling you are both somehow competing, even when working on the same team. This is partly because Narcissists always need a victim/ enemy and also because they want to make you look bad so they look better. You will see that they are not happy for your (or others’) successes but may revel in and publicise others’ losses or mistakes, usually with a sense of schadenfreude.

This sense of competition may escalate and may be accompanied by the bullying behaviours discussed in this article. Sadly, the only way you will be able to get them work effectively as part of a team is to flatter them and appeal to their ‘expertise’ or ‘experience’.

            12.  They Hold a Grudge Forever (and Will Get Revenge)

If you do upset a Narcissist, even just by existing or by succeeding, they will hold it against you forever. As Narcissists believe everything is about them, they can even perceive something you do or are as an attack on them personally. If you succeed, it is to show them up, if you are upset, you are upset with them, if you make a mistake you are trying to hurt them. And therefore they need to ‘retaliate’ by attacking you, even though in reality you have done nothing to them. These attacks also serve to establish or maintain the Narcissist’s hierarchy and control through fear and intimidation.

These attacks can be malicious or unfair, and strike out of the blue, but to them it is always justified because they believe you intentionally hurt them. And Narcissists remember every grudge and rarely let them go or forgive as every one of them is a potential weapon. These grudges will just add up exponentially until there is an opportunity to use or vent them. They will use them to get revenge, but disproportionately and unfairly, both because you hurt them (or embarrassed them) and because you dared to hurt them or embarrass them and they have to train you not to do that ever again. Moreover, they will do it as publically as possible because they can never miss an opportunity to make you look bad.

Similarly to thinking that other people are always responsible for making them unhappy, Narcissists believe that other people are responsible for making them happy. When they are unhappy, they will express it to (certain) other people so that they can ‘fix’ the problem and reassure them. If these other people don’t succeed in making them happy, the Narcissist resents them for not caring enough or not doing enough for their happiness. Narcissists have an exaggerated external locus of control – to them, the power to change things rests on other people. This means that they try to manipulate the people around them rather than change themselves, their actions or their thought processes. This leaves them deeply resentful and unhappy that other people have not done their ‘job’, which will also become a grudge. This is especially the case if the person who couldn’t make them happy, (no matter how hard they tried), was someone the Narcissist had unconsciously appointed as a Caregiver.

           13.  The Workplace is a High Stress Zone

The result of this is usually a Narcissist who is not only very often unhappy, but is resentful about being unhappy. The Narcissist brings a high level of inappropriate emotionality into the workplace and is often unprofessional. They overshare their negative emotions, especially anger or rage, projecting their mood and taking out their feelings on others. In addition, they not only have zero tolerance for mistakes, they always blame the person rather than the person’s action. For example, instead of telling an employee that an action needs to change, they tell the person that they are no good.

Narcissists also speak inappropriately about others, as if their emotion gives them the right to speak out of place or break confidentiality. When angry, they will often look for a victim. Those who are victimized by a Narcissist always feel they are walking on eggshells, trying not to upset them.

However, only those ‘below’ the Narcissist will get to see this in its purest form or be on the receiving end of the Narcissistic Rage. The Narcissist will only rage if they feel safe to do so without consequence. If such behaviour is not tolerated they are probably sullen, sulky or use Passive-Aggressive strategies as an outlet of their emotion, usually on a specific victim (or group of victims). This usually has a ‘rolling downhill’ effect, where those that the Narcissist has emotionally or verbally abused then abuse others in their state of distress.

While you may not see them vent, it is almost impossible that you won’t know they are upset. Everyone in the workplace is stressed, though they may not know why and just how much they are affected. Much like a frog in hot water, people don’t realise how toxic the environment is until they have left it.

Narcissists may also create a high stress zone in order to, in their mind, improve efficiency. They usually try and whip up stress in order to make people more productive. Seeing people tired, stressed, drinking more coffee, working late or through lunchbreaks, appearing distraught and even having arguments seems to reinforce their sense of importance, as if only then employees are taking the job seriously enough and serving the Narcissist well. As such, Narcissistic workplaces are characterised by insanely high levels of stress, often worsened by the Narcissist attempting to sabotage people and projects. It may be that the Narcissist attempts to create chaos in order to hide their own behaviour and failures.

           14.  They are Always on Guard

Part of this stress is created as a reaction to the stress within the Narcissist as well. Narcissists are highly vigilant to potential threats to them, and so are overly concerned with the conversations, business, personal affairs and work performance of others. They will join others’ conversations (especially those involving gossip) and will most likely initiate such sessions to keep up to date with new information. Otherwise, they will have Flying Monkeys to let them know.

Because of this, Narcissists are usually highly-strung and anxious, creating a nervous energy many people confuse with enthusiasm. This constant surveillance or hypervigilance tends to leave them exhausted which can make them more reactive and stressed.

            15.  They Push People into Specific Roles

Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be thought of as an intergenerational family disorder, where children brought up by Narcissists become Narcissists or vulnerable victims to other abusers.

Narcissist families have specific roles for each family member which either serve the Narcissist directly, cover up the abuses or serve as a depository for all the blame, resentment and anger that the family knows they can’t ever direct at the person who deserves it, the Narcissist. This is because they have been both actively punished for ever blaming the Narcissist and also taught that it is the family Scapegoat’s fault so often that they no longer question that child was to blame.

The now adult Narcissist recreates these learnt roles in every sphere of their life, including the workplace. You will find that in addition to their ‘posse’, they have a victim they blame/ compete with (a new Scapegoat), people they use to do or get things for them, even at great personal expense (Enablers and Martyrs), people they use to make themselves look good (Heroes), someone they expect to look after them (the Caregiver) and, if in power, often a favourite person who can do no wrong and gets favoured (the Golden Child). Alternatively, they will do everything they can to be the Golden Child of the boss.

            16.  They Lack Empathy

A trademark characteristic of Narcissists is a lack of empathy. It may take you a long time to see that, because it is well hidden behind learnt ‘caring’ behaviours or ‘love-bombing’ where you have been given gifts or generally made a fuss of early on in your relationship. The real way to see this lack of empathy is in the decisions that a Narcissist makes which adversely affect people, their bullying behaviours against certain people, the way they talk about people behind their back and the way that will always pick their own interests over anyone else’s. Narcissists are also very inflexible and unforgiving. While they expect (or demand) special treatment, they are unlikely to willingly give others special accommodations for personal situations such as needing to leave work early to pick up children. If they do give such accommodations, they may express their disgust and disappointment or publicise very openly the concession that they made.

Again, in order to see the lack of empathy, you need to look beyond the public face of the Narcissist and their well-rehearsed social behaviours and look at the impact of the decisions they make or the compassion they show when people are ill or down. ‘Social’ type Narcissists are the most difficult to see through as they gain Narcissistic Supply by trying to look popular and fun.

           17.  They are Always the Victim

The other way to see the Narcissist’s lack of empathy is the way they almost always place themselves as the victim in any dispute, disagreement or confrontation, even when they are clearly in the wrong. They completely disregard the other person’s point of view, needs and feelings for their own ends.

For example, the Narcissist hires someone to do a job then before it is finished realizes that they have given the person they hired the wrong information. To save face, they tell the person they have done a bad job and refuse to pay them. When the person who they hired, (who has done the work in good faith and well based on the specifications given), asks to be paid for work to date, the Narcissist will play the part of an innocent and well-meaning employer who is being ripped off by an immoral service provider.

As mentioned earlier, Narcissists will sabotage projects and other people, blame others and then play the victim, such as the boss who can’t get good help.

Social Narcissists also play the victim in social confrontations and are usually the one rushing out of the room crying after a disagreement that they initiated. This is very often an effective distraction technique. It puts the focus (and blame) back on the person confronting them and away from the Narcissist. Being a ‘victim’ is also an effective way to gain sympathy from others, recruit supporters and, by appealing to people’s genuine empathy and kindness, be further protected from the consequences of their actions.

           18.  They ‘Train’ People how to Treat Them

These sort of displays are an example of Narcissists training their victims, posse and onlookers. The aim of these extreme and highly emotional displays are to teach people to never do that again, e.g. ask to get paid, confront them about a mistake, stand up to their bullying, question them, question their authority, show them up, refuse to conform or generally threaten their Ego in any way.

In addition to tears, Narcissists will use extreme rage (‘Narcissistic Rage’), actual punishment, the silent treatment, gossip and slander, personal attacks, threats, blackmail, collusion, rejection, abandonment and even physical abuse. However, the method they will use and the severity of their reaction will depend on the context or environment and the people present – they will never expose themselves to people in power or those whose goodwill they need unless they feel it’s safe to do so. Narcissists always avoid exposure and the related consequences, preferring to work covertly or in ways where there is ‘plausible deniability’.

In addition to this negative reinforcement, Narcissists use positive reinforcement to reward behaviour that they approve of. This may be in the form of praise, gifts, special privileges, bonuses or promotions based on compliance rather than skill or experience.

            19.  They are Obsessed with Other People

This point has been touched on before but needs repeating. Not all Narcissists get their attention needs (Narcissistic Supply) by being the star of the show all of the time. Some need to be the prettiest, the richest, the most connected, the most popular, the most ill or even the ‘bravest in spite of it all’. But what is common to all is that those needs have to be met externally – by other people.

The Narcissist doesn’t have the ability to reassure, validate, soothe, love and praise themselves (as much the opposite may seem true!!). They NEED other people, like oxygen, so they always keep people around. This means that they are vigilant as to where other people are and what they are doing. In addition, they are in constant surveillance mode looking for threats to themselves, and conversely, trying to find ways to bolster their own reputation, even through someone else’s mistakes or misfortune.

As mentioned earlier, Narcissists manipulate their environment by manipulating people. They are less interested in the other variables that will lead to success and they are unlikely to change themselves in order to improve any situation or work outcome. However, as they lack empathy and respect for co-workers and are only interested in how the work will reflect on them personally, the effect of this manipulation is almost always destructive. Narcissists make terrible bosses despite all their bravado and self-congratulation. They are also likely to micro-manage due to trust issues, their underestimation of others and this obsession with what other people are doing.

One clue to this obsession is that most of their conversations are about other people and what they say and do etc, rather than ideas, plans, hobbies, interests or anything else. Thus, a Narcissist politician talks about people rather than policies, an employee judges and gossips relentlessly and a boss talks about employee behaviours rather than successes and plans.

             20.   They Lack Introspection

It is easy to assume that because we would make a choice about most of these behaviours that the Narcissist does also. However, this may not be the case.

Firstly, Narcissists live in their own ‘unreality bubble’. They were most likely brought up in an environment that had its own version of reality, reinforced by the Narcissist in charge. If this bubble is broken, their whole world can come crashing down, so it is likely that they will defend it, no matter how strange or destructive.

Secondly, Narcissists famously lack introspection. They cannot reflect on their behaviours, their impacts, their faults, their mistakes and their plans to improve themselves the same way other people do. It is too frightening and painful for them and worst of all it is likely to show them that they are not the flawless, perfect person they feel they need to be. The prospect of discovering that is so threating to their sense of self that Narcissists actively project their flaws onto other people at an unconscious level, before they can be truly aware and process this ‘dangerous’ information, much like we move a hand from a flame before we realise we are doing it. Narcissists will also automatically reframe, excuse, ignore, diminish, discount or misattribute any evidence against them so they are never in the wrong.

In addition, it takes empathy to worry about the effect of your behaviour on other people, which Narcissists don’t have a whole lot of. Narcissists don’t really care about other people, so they are not usually concerned if they are upset, sabotaged, disadvantaged or hurt.

Is this reassuring? No. Does this help you deal with their abuse, torment, bullying, credit-stealing and everything else we have outlined here? No, not at all. But it does tell you the most important thing you need to know – they are not going to change.