Relational Abuse and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

 'Relational aggression is a form of behavior intended to damage the victim's social status or interpersonal relationships through the use of purposeful interpersonal manipulation or social exclusion (Archer & Coyne, 2005).'

The links between NPD and Relational Aggression are strong and are observed from an early age. The victims are usually the partner of the Narcissist, or a Scapegoated Child. In the case of the Narcissistic Golden Child, it will be even more likely to be the Scapegoated Child, who the GC has been taught, (directly and indirectly, through favouritism and competition), to hate, blame and compete with by the Narcissistic parent. 

Conditional Love

The Narcissist limits the amount of love and affection available to the children, making their love conditional on playing the Narcissist's games and serving their interests. This is especially the case in Abandoning type Narcissists (as opposed to Engulfing). They create the illusion that there is so much love available, so it seems that other children are getting that love and attention. This makes all of the children jealous, so they 'fight' for the scraps of love available. That competition makes the parent feel loved and wanted, so they keep starting competitions and keep up the favouritism. 

While the Hero and Golden Child get most of the favouritism, it is always conditional on towing the line - acting in a way that the Narcissist wants them to. And while the roles are relatively stable over time, who sits in those roles day-to-day (or hour to hour) can change on a dime, meaning that the privilege and 'love' can go with it.

The effect this has on all children, is that it creates shame and deep insecurity - that deep down the children don't feel good enough to be loved unconditionally. After all, if your parent(s) can't even love you, what does that say about you? And needing to feel safe and loved, and being able to predict and rely on that love being there tomorrow, or even in the next hour, is a basic human drive and need.

In addition, the Narcissist points out every real or perceived flaw in the child to excuse the Narcissist's withdrawal of love, at the same time 'rewarding' their competitors with 'love' thus showing them to be deserving. In fact, Narcissistic parents are often the most affectionate and generous when angry at another child. They make a big show of the love attention they are giving to the children who are towing the line, to reward their compliance and punish the child currently under attack. They may yell at the Scapegoat and then send them to their room, but then decide, (uncharacteristically), to have a games night, order out pizza or let the other children eat icecream etc. Often, the most attention the other children get is when the Narcissist is raging at the Scapegoat.

This combination of behaviours, (withdrawal of love/conditional love and evidence of love being given to others), compounds this sense of shame and insecurity. It cuts deep with all children (but less with the Hero as they are given a more simple formula to avoid this abandonment - work harder, achieve more). It also creates a profound and deep conditioned response, where the other children associate the most affection and attention with the punishment and exclusion of the 'bad child'.

The Golden Child

There are particular problems in this for the Golden Child. When the Golden Child also has NPD,  they are hyper-competitive as well as believe they are better and more worthy than others. This is created or reinforced by the preferential treatment and favouritism they receive. This creates extreme incongruence between their core belief about themselves (that they are superior, flawless, entitled, special) and the way the Narcissistic parent makes them feel (inferior, flawed, undeserving of unconditional love), which causes them very real cognitive and emotional trauma. It creates an unresolvable cognitive dissonance and fracturing of self, felt at the deepest emotional levels. 

To resolve two differing concepts of self, they spend most of their time trying to find peace, balance and understanding by trying to get the Narcissistic parent to see them as the superior person they believe themselves to be. In another way, trying to get the Narcissist to act in a way (unconditionally loving, giving) that is in line with how they taught them they deserve to be treated (ostensibly like a prince or princess). This is the only way that the Golden Child can make sense of the world.

The problem is that it is impossible for them to ever be able to balance these two opposing beliefs. As much as the Narcissist tells them they are the best and deserve everything the Narcissist would have wanted, the Narcissist is still, well...a Narcissist. They will still put their own needs first every time. So that divide between expectation and reality is bigger for the Golden Child than the other children because of their expectation of more and better. The other children, especially those in 'service' roles like the Scapegoat, Caregiver/ Martyr or Lost Child, have learnt not to ever expect better and have internalised the message that they don't deserve better.

This means that the Narcissistic Golden Child needs more than their fair share of the 'love' and attention. They perceive others as a direct threat to getting this. They spend a lot of time in surveillance mode - checking, watching, judging and raging if anyone else gets anything they want or feel entitled to. They knock down threats to them getting 'love' and attention, and noone more than the family Scapegoat, (the family bullying victim, the one blamed for everything), just as the Narcissist taught them. This is partly because of that association that they have made between getting extra affection and attention and the punishment and exclusion of the Scapegoat.

Enter the Scapegoat

The reason the Narcissist needs a Scapegoat is because the Narcissist is NEVER wrong and can be never held to account for their own actions. The Narcissist therefore will blame anyone else, particularly anyone vulnerable or anyone capable who threatens their sense of superiority. Over time, this child is worn down, doesn't argue and takes all the blame automatically. their own sense of self is shaped by the parent, so they believe they deserve it or believe that they are flawed and a burden on the parent.

The Golden Child will copy the Narcissist's example and bully the Scapegoat too. If they also have NPD, this, over time, will also come out of their own personal need to blame someone other than themselves, on top of raging at the Scapegoat for the Narcissistic parent's failings.

The Scapegoat will also get the blame, anger and misdirected sadness from all of the other family members too. All children, (and often the partner), have been raged at from a young age by the Narcissist if they haven't towed the line or have ever questioned them, and so all, deep down, are scared of the Narcissist's wrath and their social exclusion tactics. All the pain and hate in this toxic, unhealthy and abusive environment needs to go somewhere. But, they cannot direct their anger or talk about the injustices, hurt and abandonment they feel to the Narcissist because of terror. Instead, all the children, (and partner). instead learn to direct their rage at the Scapegoat, rather than the Narcissist where that rage actually belongs. 

For the children in this family dynamic, this happens quite early in life. It becomes ingrained behaviour - 'just the way it is.' The children will start to see all of the problems and ills being due to the 'difficult', 'problematic', 'outsider', 'trouble-making', 'strange' Scapegoat, when the reality of the situation is that the Scapegoat is a CHILD. And it happens at an age when the Narcissistic parent who is telling them that this child is to blame, is the person most in charge of that child's very survival. The children are utterly dependent on this broken parent and so are forced to accept their rules and reality. this means that the child believes it, lives it and learns (for their own sake), to never question this family 'reality'.

In other words, the children in this family learn, (before they can think critically), to NEVER direct those feelings to the powerful PARENT who failed them and abused them, and instead direct it at the powerless CHILD who was just trying to survive the abuse (the true meaning of the Scapegoat or sacrificial goat). The mistakes a child (or teen) would ordinarily make because they are so young become 'proof' that they deserve that treatment, and that they are creating the toxic environment in the family, when in fact it is of course the adult parent.

The Stage is Set

So here we have a situation where noone's emotional needs are being met, but the ILLUSION is created so that people will compete. This creates shame or a feeling of unworthiness compared to others, that they must do better or be more lovable. This is especially the case for favoured children who on one hand are taught they deserve everything, and on the other hand, don't get their needs met by the Narcissist. On top of that, the anger and sadness everyone feels about this situation needs to go somewhere, and the Narcissist has set up a 'fall guy' to divert attention away from themselves as the cause of all this family pain. The rest seems inevitable.

Add to this that one child has been emotionally molly-coddled, not allowed to share the slightest tear. The Golden Child is the child the Narcissist has over-protected from any emotional pain as they over-identify with them. They feel any slight to the Golden Child as a slight to themselves and respond disproportionately to the 'attacker' (who may be anyone with reason to call out the Golden Child's behaviour). 

And this child is in intense emotional pain, having been taught that they deserve more than the others, but not receiving the real emotional connection they need. 

It's a bad equation - intense emotional pain that they MUST NOT direct at the source (the Narcissist), but an inability to deal with emotional pain as they have not been allowed to have the experience of it and were not given the tools. The Narcissist has tried to protect them from emotional pain and has always fought battles for them, so they have little skill or resilience themselves. This is the same recipe that is often found in studies of bullying. 

True to form, the Narcissistic Golden Child will bully the Scapegoat to ease their pain, blame someone else, let out their anger, bring down a perceived competitor for love and attention, (despite the reality that the Scapegoat already receives far less of either), and to attempt to fix that divide between the love they think they deserve and the love they will get from a self-absorbed Narcissist.

Mobbing, Alliances and Othering

The Narcissists in the family form an emotional alliance based on need, mutual understanding and over-identification between the Narcissistic parent and the Golden Child (Enmeshment). Having a minion also makes the Narcissist feel important. 

Conversely, the Golden Child is over-invested in being in the parent's good graces both for power and to ease that inner shame-pride dynamic. In addition, the child's boundaries have been walked over by the Narcissist so often that the line between parent and child becomes cloudy with the enmeshed Golden Child.

The Narcissist Parent never punishes or calls out the Golden Child's bullying of the Scapegoat as it suits them to watch the competition, or to have someone keep the Scapegoat in the victim role. The Golden Child will automatically provide an alibi, or a justification, or 'evidence' for the Narcissist when they are raging at, bullying or excluding the Scapegoat, and vice versa. The Golden Child is forming an alliance with the strongest person in the room, and knows they will be rewarded for siding with the Narcissist no matter what. Thus they will actually work together in their bullying and aggression.

The Golden Child may even 'set them up' for the Narcissist to 'knock over', bullying the Scapegoat until they react, so the Narcissist can rage at the Scapegoat and get out their frustration, blame them for all things bad and prove how they 'don't want to get on with the family' or 'aren't part of the family.' The Scapegoat learns that there is no justice, that the Narcissist will never side with them even when the bullying is obvious, and so withdraws to prevent being further hurt. Which again, is used as 'proof' that they 'don't want to be part of the family' and will excuse further social isolation on the part of the Narcissists.

The Scapegoat is locked into a 'no-win' scenario, as both Narcissists are powerful singularly but moreso together. And they HAVE to win as losing threatens their very sense of self.

Other family members will get used by the Narcissist and Narcissistic Golden Child as pawns just to bring down the Scapegoat - to mob them, hate them too or just to have that sense of 'us' and 'you', where the Scapegoat is actively excluded from the family. This is known as 'Othering', where the victim of bullying is made out to be 'different', 'not one of us', 'an Outsider', 'weird', 'dangerous', 'not belonging' or, the worst one, 'not wanting to belong or be part of us' meaning that they will lose themselves trying to prove that they want to belong and 'earning' the right to belong. This is the essence of Relational Aggression.

This is why relational aggression is so damaging. Not only is it in the victim's home, (the one place where they should feel safe and secure, above all others), or even that it affects them growing up so affects every core belief about themselves in an environment where they should be learning about love, self-confidence and belonging. It is the Othering which makes it more than being the victim of one bully. It is the alliances and lack of another voice to tell the bully that it is wrong, and the tell the victim that they deserve better. THIS is the most damaging legacy of this abuse. The victim internalises the message that they deserve this, that they are less than the others, that they are difficult, different, an Outsider, problematic and more than anything, that they are not wanted and are alone. In some sense then, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. They internalise these messages, they withdraw to prevent being hurt more, except to perhaps work harder to show they belong or care until they realise this is futile, as things will never change. 

Outside of the house, they have been trained to be a victim of bullying, as they have no core belief to tell them that they don't deserve this treatment. In fact, quite the opposite. More than that, they have never been given the skills and have even been actively punished for standing up for themselves against the Narcissist or Golden Child. They actually FEAR standing up for themselves, and may even physically shut down when under attack, as the punishment for responding was often worse than the original bullying. And so a widening sphere of people at school, in sports and so on REINFORCE the incorrect, toxic, abusive and damaging core beliefs of unworthiness and otherness that the Narcissistic family have instilled. It is an incredibly painful experience for the Scapegoat, and possibly the worst form of emotional abuse. 

And it won't stop at just the family, as both the Narcissist and/or the Narcissistic Golden Child will actively recruit new family members or friends to their side. They will work to whisper in your friend's ear, pull you down in front of them, instill doubt in your new partner's mind, white ant your relationships, ridicule you in front of your children and change other people's perception of you. It never stops, even into adulthood. It just gets more subtle and manipulative, though the Othering, blaming, disempowering and put downs will continue to keep you in your 'place.' This is the reason most Scapegoats leave the family (called going 'No Contact') or live a long way away, in order to save themselves. This will be used as 'proof' that they didn't want to be part of the family, because no matter what a Scapegoat does, they are never right.

To understand relational aggression within any family though is to understand this. If you survived it, you are amazing. You are strong beyond compare. And there is nothing wrong with you. Your human (childhood) imperfections weren't the cause of all this misery. It isn't all your fault. Your parent is broken. The Narcissistic Golden Child is broken. And you were a child or a teenager trying to learn and you deserved to be loved unconditionally and cared for equally, as much as other children. And, it was your home, and your family. You deserved to feel like you belonged. This was the time you should have been getting a stable and loving foundation and sense of self-worth, and not having that as a child is not your fault. You deserved so much better.

The Confronted Narcissist Abuse Cycle

Occasionally, a Narcissist is confronted about their behaviour. This rarely ends well for the confronter, even if the Narcissist is clearly guilty.

The Narcissist's behaviours are designed to protect themselves against a threat and an insult to their fragile (and indignant!) Ego. They also serve to train the confronter to never, ever question them again.

In the first stage, the Narcissist does something 'wrong'. This may be a mistake, which can happen to anyone. Or it may be quite a significant and intentional thing.

In the second stage, they are confronted. By this, I mean asked about it, asked if they know about it or in the worst case scenario, accused. To most Narcissists, especially those who feel they have power over the victim/ confronter or who don't fear consequences, the two can be taken to mean the same thing. Both questions and accusations engage their 'threat' response and the Narcissist will 'attack back' or retaliate, regardless of whether they were only being asked a question or were accused, were innocent or guilty.

There are a number of likely responses, though the order may vary. Any of these can turn up in this cycle:

* Denying that there is a problem or that they were responsible (this may be true);
* Diminishing the problem, as if it's not important;
* Diminishing the victim personally, or diminishing their feelings or reaction;
* Deflecting - trying to change the topic or put the focus somewhere else. Can include offering a 'false solution' that doesn't actually address the issue at hand;
* Avoiding - won't talk about the issue at all;
* Blaming the confronter/ victim or someone else (including False Equivalence*);
* Playing the Victim (often with crocodile tears);
* Lying; and/ or
* Excusing the behaviour due to other extenuating circumstances or their current problems.

(*False equivalence means incorrectly saying the 'other side' (usually the victim), is just as bad or caused the Narcissist to amplify their response to respond in kind).

The Narcissist may use a combination of these, especially if they don't know which one will work on you. It is always about denying responsibility and never about your feelings.

Most of these approaches will be expressed through Narcissistic Rage, which is basically a temper tantrum. If the situation prevents this rage, such as being in a workplace, they will find another (often covert) outlet and it will continue to build as the Narcissist is resentful about being thwarted from taking it out on their victim. The rage always has an indignant quality to it, a 'how dare they' aspect and it is designed in part to teach the confronter to never dare question them again. This rage constitutes bullying and harrassment as it includes verbal, emotional and/ or physical abuse.

If the Narcissist cannot rage out, or if they are a dramatic-reactive Narcissist, or if they have established power over the victim (such as a child), or if the victim is someone they cannot avoid, the Narcissist is likely to slander them to other people. This may just mean telling their side of the story, but with embellishments and exaggerations to sway the listener and recruit them to their side. Many Narcissists use sympathy, and related 'admiration' for 'struggling' with so many of life's problems as a source of emotional energy and attention (known as Narcissistic Supply). In addition to being a release and getting their Supply, Narcissists do this because they always vent as publicly as possible to advertise the flaws, mistakes or threats they see in their victim.

Of course, anyone should be able to vent their problems, but the way the Narcissist will try and recruit the listener to their side is far more dangerous. They tend to paint a picture through the use of carefully selected words that take away their responsibility and put the blame onto the other person, often in a way that has 'plausible deniability.' It is often done in many small increments. This often amounts to a character assassination or slander, especially over time. It directly changes the way other people perceive the victim, especially if that victim has been designated a role to play by the Narcissist, such as Scapegoat.

The other part of this is that the Narcissist has set up communication channels in such a way that the person they complain to doesn't (feel they can) communicate directly with the victim. In this way, they know not to (or feel they can't) ask the victim for their side of the story, and conversely, the victim can't tell it. The Narcissist will also 'race' to complain about the victim before the victim has a chance to. Most likely the listener has judged in the Narcissist's favour on every issue as they have been trained. The Narcissist will always sit in the middle of the two parties and 'spin' anything said or done to suit their own purposes. This is known as 'triangulation.'

Narcissists operate by recruiting (either willing or incidental) supporters to back them up and/or hide behind. They always try to stack the odds in their favour through dominance games and numbers. By this point in the abuse cycle, where the Narcissist has amplified the situation and gotten other people involved, the confonter has other issues to discuss with the Narcissist (such as their use of these bullying tactics). The victim can try to ignore these new behaviours, in which case they will lose both the short game (an unresolved problem plus abuse with no amends or apology) and the long game (the Narcissist now assuming they can behave this way in the future without consequence). Otherwise they confront the Narcissist about these new behaviours and the cycle goes around again. Unsupported, the victim can never win and they usually succumb to exhaustion as well as extreme emotional distress.

Also, never underestimate how well a Narcissist plays the victim. They will recount the ACTUAL victim's poor behaviour, while never mentioning, let alone taking responsibility for, their part it in. Think of a kid who hits a dog with a rock every day for 99 days. The dog just takes it. On the 100th day, the dog bites back and the kid runs back to tell everyone how the dog bit it when they did nothing to the dog. In the Narcissist's case, they have collected a group of Enablers who ignore that inconvenient truth and go straight for the actual victim. The Narcissist's Flying Monkeys will see that the actual victim is punished. The thing is, though, that the actual victim may not have done those things and if they did, whatever was done is spun well out of context and exaggerated. 

The Narcissist gets so many gains from playing the victim - attention, sympathy, being removed from responsibility or accountability for their actions, (as noone will hold them to account when they are down), AND they get an army of ill-informed or biased Flying Monkeys to take down their victim or source of threat for them. So many wins in one calculated move. I say calculated because Narcissists tend to become victims about when someone calls them into account. If they can't pin it on their victim then they may make it about those who supported the victim or failing that, become conveniently ill. They then may even be able to blame their victim for their illness or the response to it, just as a bonus.

Lastly, remember that Narcissists are famously two-faced. You may see a different side of them because of the role you play, your utility, your authority or how likely you are to call them on their behaviour etc. NEVER ASSUME that the person you are being shown is the same person the victim sees.