Indignant Rage

The Confronted Narcissist Abuse Cycle

Occasionally, a Narcissist is confronted about their behaviour. This rarely ends well for the confronter, even if the Narcissist is clearly guilty.

The Narcissist's behaviours are designed to protect themselves against a threat and an insult to their fragile (and indignant!) Ego. They also serve to train the confronter to never, ever question them again.

In the first stage, the Narcissist does something 'wrong'. This may be a mistake, which can happen to anyone. Or it may be quite a significant and intentional thing.

In the second stage, they are confronted. By this, I mean asked about it, asked if they know about it or in the worst case scenario, accused. To most Narcissists, especially those who feel they have power over the victim/ confronter or who don't fear consequences, the two can be taken to mean the same thing. Both questions and accusations engage their 'threat' response and the Narcissist will 'attack back' or retaliate, regardless of whether they were only being asked a question or were accused, were innocent or guilty.

There are a number of likely responses, though the order may vary. Any of these can turn up in this cycle:

* Denying that there is a problem or that they were responsible (this may be true);
* Diminishing the problem, as if it's not important;
* Diminishing the victim personally, or diminishing their feelings or reaction;
* Deflecting - trying to change the topic or put the focus somewhere else. Can include offering a 'false solution' that doesn't actually address the issue at hand;
* Avoiding - won't talk about the issue at all;
* Blaming the confronter/ victim or someone else (including False Equivalence*);
* Playing the Victim (often with crocodile tears);
* Lying; and/ or
* Excusing the behaviour due to other extenuating circumstances or their current problems.

(*False equivalence means incorrectly saying the 'other side' (usually the victim), is just as bad or caused the Narcissist to amplify their response to respond in kind).

The Narcissist may use a combination of these, especially if they don't know which one will work on you. It is always about denying responsibility and never about your feelings.

Most of these approaches will be expressed through Narcissistic Rage, which is basically a temper tantrum. If the situation prevents this rage, such as being in a workplace, they will find another (often covert) outlet and it will continue to build as the Narcissist is resentful about being thwarted from taking it out on their victim. The rage always has an indignant quality to it, a 'how dare they' aspect and it is designed in part to teach the confronter to never dare question them again. This rage constitutes bullying and harrassment as it includes verbal, emotional and/ or physical abuse.

If the Narcissist cannot rage out, or if they are a dramatic-reactive Narcissist, or if they have established power over the victim (such as a child), or if the victim is someone they cannot avoid, the Narcissist is likely to slander them to other people. This may just mean telling their side of the story, but with embellishments and exaggerations to sway the listener and recruit them to their side. Many Narcissists use sympathy, and related 'admiration' for 'struggling' with so many of life's problems as a source of emotional energy and attention (known as Narcissistic Supply). In addition to being a release and getting their Supply, Narcissists do this because they always vent as publicly as possible to advertise the flaws, mistakes or threats they see in their victim.

Of course, anyone should be able to vent their problems, but the way the Narcissist will try and recruit the listener to their side is far more dangerous. They tend to paint a picture through the use of carefully selected words that take away their responsibility and put the blame onto the other person, often in a way that has 'plausible deniability.' It is often done in many small increments. This often amounts to a character assassination or slander, especially over time. It directly changes the way other people perceive the victim, especially if that victim has been designated a role to play by the Narcissist, such as Scapegoat.

The other part of this is that the Narcissist has set up communication channels in such a way that the person they complain to doesn't (feel they can) communicate directly with the victim. In this way, they know not to (or feel they can't) ask the victim for their side of the story, and conversely, the victim can't tell it. The Narcissist will also 'race' to complain about the victim before the victim has a chance to. Most likely the listener has judged in the Narcissist's favour on every issue as they have been trained. The Narcissist will always sit in the middle of the two parties and 'spin' anything said or done to suit their own purposes. This is known as 'triangulation.'

Narcissists operate by recruiting (either willing or incidental) supporters to back them up and/or hide behind. They always try to stack the odds in their favour through dominance games and numbers. By this point in the abuse cycle, where the Narcissist has amplified the situation and gotten other people involved, the confonter has other issues to discuss with the Narcissist (such as their use of these bullying tactics). The victim can try to ignore these new behaviours, in which case they will lose both the short game (an unresolved problem plus abuse with no amends or apology) and the long game (the Narcissist now assuming they can behave this way in the future without consequence). Otherwise they confront the Narcissist about these new behaviours and the cycle goes around again. Unsupported, the victim can never win and they usually succumb to exhaustion as well as extreme emotional distress.

Also, never underestimate how well a Narcissist plays the victim. They will recount the ACTUAL victim's poor behaviour, while never mentioning, let alone taking responsibility for, their part it in. Think of a kid who hits a dog with a rock every day for 99 days. The dog just takes it. On the 100th day, the dog bites back and the kid runs back to tell everyone how the dog bit it when they did nothing to the dog. In the Narcissist's case, they have collected a group of Enablers who ignore that inconvenient truth and go straight for the actual victim. The Narcissist's Flying Monkeys will see that the actual victim is punished. The thing is, though, that the actual victim may not have done those things and if they did, whatever was done is spun well out of context and exaggerated. 

The Narcissist gets so many gains from playing the victim - attention, sympathy, being removed from responsibility or accountability for their actions, (as noone will hold them to account when they are down), AND they get an army of ill-informed or biased Flying Monkeys to take down their victim or source of threat for them. So many wins in one calculated move. I say calculated because Narcissists tend to become victims about when someone calls them into account. If they can't pin it on their victim then they may make it about those who supported the victim or failing that, become conveniently ill. They then may even be able to blame their victim for their illness or the response to it, just as a bonus.

Lastly, remember that Narcissists are famously two-faced. You may see a different side of them because of the role you play, your utility, your authority or how likely you are to call them on their behaviour etc. NEVER ASSUME that the person you are being shown is the same person the victim sees.

Narcissist Memes

Memes written by achievement-oriented Narcissists 😂😂😂