Whether covert or overt Narcissism, a few patterns seem to
recur when the bully is a Narcissist:
1. It’s Laser-Focused on One Person/ Group
Criticism or observation tends to call out
problems, flaws or mistakes more generally. Narcissists tend to focus on one
person or group. They may even group many together to create one ‘enemy’ to
focus on. The Narcissist will ignore the same behavior in one person/ group
that they scream about in their victim. They are biased and hypocritical.
2. It’s Very Dualistic, ‘Us and Them’ Way of
Categorising People
Narcissists live by the ‘you’re either with
me or against me’ way of thinking. They do not accept neutrality, unbiased
observation or constructive criticism or feedback. They will take this as
someone being on the other person’s ‘side’ or generally ‘against them’, when
this is not how most people think.
3. They Manipulate and Recruit Enablers and ‘Flying
Monkey’s to Be on Their Side
Most people will have a problem with
someone and leave it at that. They will try and find ways to deal with them or
work around them. A Narcissist will actively try and get people on their side
to agree with them, fight for them, cover for them, lie for them, spin, attack
their victim, over-represent the Narcissist’s good qualities and represent the
Narcissist as a victim of the actual victim. Increasing collusion, complicity
and divisiveness against a ‘common enemy’ of some sort, especially in the face
of contradictory evidence, is a hallmark of Narcissistic Abuse.
4. They ONLY Filter Everything Through the Lens
of How it Affects Them or What They Think
Narcissists don’t give equal weight to
others’ points of view or see the big picture. They are also extremely biased.
If they can spin the smallest thing their victim said or did into something
about them, it becomes the biggest issue in the room. If an event affects
everyone, somehow it affects the Narcissist MORE. Everything they do turns on
the tide of how they personally feel at that moment.
5. The Bully Has Something to Gain from the
Attack
Bullying is a power play for a Narcissist.
They bring down people they find threatening and/ or use a person or situation
to gain what they need for their own Narcissistic Supply – power, money,
attention, status, notoriety, career advancement even sympathy. By making
someone else look bad, they make themselves look good by comparison or focus
the spotlight on themselves. If that person is also the biggest threat to them
getting their Narcissist Supply, (such as someone who outperforms them), then
it’s a two for one deal.
6. They Go Low
The only thing that will set the lowest
standard of behavior for a Narcissist is consequence. This is why they create a
culture of Enabling around them – sycophants or ‘yes’ men who either look the
other way or assist the Narcissist in getting what they want.
7. They Hate Accountability and will Blame
Those Who Call Them Out
The behavior of Narcissists festers in the
dark. That is why they particularly hate those who disagree with them and who
call their behavior out. They see those who hold them to account as people who
have betrayed them and broken their trust (or as people who are bullying THEM).
Narcissists genuinely expect to be able to do whatever they want without censure,
criticism or accountability because at their heart, they believe that they are
special, the world should revolve around them and that the rules don’t apply to
them. They seem genuinely shocked and hurt that others don’t consider them
above reproach too.
8. They Never Learn from Their Mistakes
Narcissists deflect criticism, usually
blaming others, (such as those who called them out), or finding another excuse
for their behavior. They don’t take on board what has been said and then adjust
their behavior or attitudes. They are immutable in their belief that they are
perfect, superior and infallible and that the fault is always with others.
9. They Can’t Concede Their Mistakes or Apologise
Narcissists only apologise when there is no
other way out. They completely lack introspection.
10. They Run Smear Campaigns and Abuse their
Victim Constantly
Narcissists will continue to attack their victim,
personally or behind their back, constantly. What they say is not really
triggered by something the victim has said or done. It is not a response like
criticism of something that just happened – it feels like it is coming out of
the blue. However, they will often bring up something from the past to justify
the abuse in the present.
11. Narcissists are in Constant Surveillance
Mode
Narcissists observe and obsess over their
victim, constantly waiting for their victim to slip up, threaten the Narcissist,
(just by being themselves such as outperforming the Narcissist), or to do
anything that the Narcissist can use against them. They tend to focus on their
victim over everything else, such as talking about a small, (irrelevant), thing
that their victim did again and again. In their obsession, they ignore more
important things.
12. They Do Not Let Anything Go, Forgive or
Move On
Narcissists remember everything about their
victim to be use it as weapons later on.
13. They Hold Grudges and Seek Revenge
More than not forgetting, Narcissists hold
grudges against people and will get disproportionate revenge whenever they can,
often repeatedly. They will perceive it as fighting back after having been
poorly done by. This may be for something as small as a joke or ‘off the cuff’
remark that they took to be about themselves and that they took to heart.
14. They Have Double Standards About Behaviour
While Narcissists expect to do whatever
they want, sink as low as they would like or be above rules and boundaries,
they expect everyone else to behave impeccably at all times and will use any
deviation from that standard as ‘a stick to beat you with.’ And it’s never
forgiven or forgotten, let alone framed within the context of the good their
victim has done. Narcissists can make mistakes etc, but their victims cannot.
Ever.
15. They Never Give Credit
The flip-slide of bullying is that the
Narcissist never gives credit for anything the victim does well, unless they
absolutely can’t avoid it. Generally it will be insincere, hypocritical and
will be turned into an attention-seeking event by the Narcissist. It will also
be used forever more as ‘evidence’ that the Narcissist was so ‘nice’ and ‘fair’
to the victim when they decide to play victim later on.
16. You Can’t Win
The different rules that apply for
different people means that victims can’t ‘win’. If they respond to the
bullying by ignoring it, the Narcissist takes the silence as complicity or permission
to bully more. If the victim speaks up, they are met with more abuse and
Narcissistic Rage. If the victim returns the rage, (even after months of taking
abuse) then the Narcissist will get them into trouble for the rage the victim
showed while disregarding their own behavior. Even showing assertiveness
against the behavior is taken as ‘rage’. The victim cannot win.
17. They Play the Victim (and it’s
Hypocritical)
The other power play from the ‘you can’t
win’ scenario is that any reaction from the victim to being bullied is then
used as evidence that they are attacking the Narcissist. The Narcissist quickly
turns into a ‘victim’ and tries to pull sympathy from those around them, especially
their previously recruited Enablers and Flying Monkeys. These will swing in to
attack the victim’s treatment of the Narcissist and they will perceive the
victim as the bully. It doesn’t matter how calm, patient and measured the
victim is – in fact, this behavior really infuriates the Narcissist and will
make them goad the victim more. Once the Narcissist feels any criticism on
their behavior they, (and their Enablers), will instantly turn it onto the
victim and look for the smallest nose twitch to show that the victim is
bullying the poor Narcissist. And never mind the gapingly obvious double
standards and hypocrisy as to how the Narcissist et al have been behaving.
18. The Bullying is Exhausting, Dramatic and
Chaotic
The Narcissist not only stacks the deck
against the victim by recruiting people to be on their side, never letting the
victim win and by having no depths to which they won’t go. The Narcissist also
wins by exhausting the victim and those around by creating chaos, confusion and
drama. This not only means that the victim is too tired to fight off the
attacks, but that those around start to resent the problems and toxic environment
and may even start to blame the victim too, as the Narcissist taught them. The
Narcissist is high energy due to their hypervigilance, which people are often
drawn to, not seeing the reason for their never switching off. Another hallmark
of Narcissistic Abuse – being abused or around the abuse - is really craving
peace, aloneness, sleep and quiet.
19. The Narcissist is the Common Denominator
The first time the Narcissist creates this
cycle, most people will not see through their behavior and they will blame the
victim. That victim generally goes, however, and the Narcissist will find a new
victim to obsess over and focus on. This is most likely anyone who ever ‘sided
with’ or showed empathy for the previous victim. It is often only after the
cycle has repeated a few times that people will see the Narcissist for who they
are and perceive the toxic, low-ball, chaotic and dramatic environment that
they create. Or they perceive the peace, quiet and respectful environment when
they are gone. However, by then the Narcissist has generally played their way
to a position of power and authority and have increased the circles of Enablers
they have recruited and manipulated to ‘protect’, help and defend them.
