The Difference Between the Golden Child and the Hero (Common Misunderstandings)

A common mistake in understanding the Narcissistic (or Alcoholic) family roles is confounding the Hero and Golden Child roles. While in smaller families, they tend to be the same child, in larger families there is room for different children to have different roles.

The Hero is the child that the parent idolises for their talent, though this will expand as the Narcissist will ensure that they are a winner in all aspects of their life. Usually that talent is something that the Narcissist also has pride in and is never anything that the Narcissist envies or can't relate to. Thus a parent who is proudest of their sporting achievement will promote the sportiest child. Alternatively, a parent threatened by intelligence will reject intelligent children until the children learn to hide it. Usually the Narcissist lives vicariously through the ACHIEVEMENTS of the Hero but also gets supply in how their successes reflect on them.

The Hero is the child that the Narcissist will (physically) do the most for and invest the most in, even cannibalising (or stealing) resources from other children to help them succeed (in the most extreme cases). The Hero Child is, by most accounts, often not aware of how much they were favouritised, and tend to assume that all children had the same opportunities, resources and chances to build confidence as they did.

The Golden Child is the EMOTIONAL extension of the Narcissist. This is the child who only has to whimper at how unfair something is, or how hard done by they are, or how hard something is, or how much another child is annoying them for the Narcissist (and those around the Narcissist) to come running to the rescue to help them and take away away pain or threat. The Golden Child is the Narcissistic parent's chance to redo their own life as they felt they deserved it and make it all better. The Narcissist gives the Golden Child everything they emotionally wanted, which can also be gifts, holidays etc if these things are valued as an expression of love and emotion, as opposed to the Hero who is given what they need - such as sporting equipment, training camps and educational expenses - to achieve.

The Narcissist over-identifies with the Golden Child, often living vicariously through the EMOTIONAL experiences of the child. They become enmeshed, unable to see the boundaries between each other (particularly the Narcissist). Thus, they cheat, favouritise, bully and move the goalposts to protect the emotions of the Golden Child. The Golden Child becomes entitled, sub-conciously believing that they are more important than everyone else, and will resent any attention going to others. This may often, (covertly or passive-aggressively), pit the Golden Child against the Hero, though not to the same extent as all children will exclude or will attack the Scapegoat.

Providing what the children need or protecting them emotionally is of course what parents DO, but the marker or warning sign in Narcissistic families is the difference in how these are provided to different children, and often not at all to some children. Thus, everyone will rally around the Golden Child when sick or in crisis to provide an emotional buffer from the world. The Narcissist will recruit all children to come to their aid. However, if the Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child need help, they are abandoned and rejected. Often the thought of them needing help creates a feeling of resentment or even ridicule in family members. (Unless people are watching), there is no phone around for support or rallying cry, or their plight is minimised or excuses found as to why their problems are their fault. Under normal circumstances, the majority of empathy and care is reserved for the Golden Child. 

There will be cases. such as serious illness, weddings or the birth of a child, where that attention and care goes to one of the other (adult) children, particularly if the Narcissist uses (medical) drama as a source of Narcissistic Supply. This usually creates incredible amounts of friction and jealousy, especially in the Golden Child.

Similarly, the majority of family resources go to helping the Hero Child succeed. The rallying cry will be more along the lines of compulsory attendance at their sporting events, although that child, (or anyone else), rarely attends events important to other children. In the case of the Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child, they may have noone attend their events, such as competitions, sporting events, exhibitions, graduations or award nights. Moreover, any success they have - unless credit can be given to the Narcissist - is usually silenced. They are not allowed to talk about shields they won, awards they have, their talents or skills or marks they got, as it not only draws attention from the successes of the Hero, but it threatens the emotions of the jealous and fragile Golden Child. The Caregiver, Scapegoat or Lost Child will often attend graduations and award nights by themselves if the Narcissist can avoid them without looking bad. Often, they will avoid them anyway, such as the bitter parent who won't come to the wedding of a child as the child is getting so much attention. And when they do attend, the Narcissist will often discount the child's success, act up or appear put out.

These roles however, like all roles in the Narcissistic family, are not set. At different times, different children may be the Hero or the Golden Child. However, as the over-identification/ Enmeshment and favouritism/ reward aspect are similar in both children, (and the opposite of other roles which involve abandonment/ neglect and punishment/ rejection), more often than not these roles will alternate between the same two children. In smaller families, they are collapsed into the same role. Occasionally though, the Hero may be the person going through final exams, or having a child etc, as they have the most chance of bringing drama and glory to the Narcissist.

Where the roles are more stable over time, the general difference you will notice is the emotional health of the Hero compared to that of the Golden Child. The Hero child will have had all of their physical needs met and will have received support, encouragement and praise when they succeeded or worked hard. This child is generally the most emotionally healthy of all the children of this family. They will still have issues, such as a driving need to succeed or prove themselves, or fear of failure, but generally they avoid the emotional abuse dished out to the Scapegoat and Golden Child, or the abandonment of the Caregiver/ Martyr or Lost Child.

The Golden Child, on the other hand, is highly enmeshed with the Narcissistic Parent on an emotional level. They are not allowed to succeed to the same extent as the Hero to restrict competition to that child, but also to keep the Golden Child close and malleable or available. Their emotions are buffered to such a degree that they develop a warped sense of the world and everyone in it. They do not get the opportunity to fail, or struggle and then overcome, or the independence and confidence that comes from this. Thus they are highly anxious and fearful, and look externally to get many of their needs met, often feeling helpless and then abandoned when others don't fix things for them. This usually creates feelings of resentment for the abandonment, often aimed at the Caregiver for not fixing things, the Scapegoat because everything is their fault, the Hero for getting so much attention and help or the Narcissist for not making their life perfect as they come to expect. (though of course, this resentment is usually expressed behind these people's backs as Golden Children are often highly manipulative and always work the system). In addition to resentment, they often use pity to get attention and resources, which the Narcissist overreacts to and thus rewards because they 'feel' their pain, even when the reality of the Golden Child's life is far from requiring pity.

The Golden Child learns to focus outwards instead of developing introspection as they lose their own feeling of control or agency, being so controlled by the Narcissist. They may resent the other children's (often forced) independence. They are spoilt and overprotected to the extent that they feel entitled to more than other children get, and demand attention and signs of affection that should be shared equally. This may make them Narcissistic themselves, which in turn makes them highly over-competitive and jealous. 

In addition, this molly-coddling binds them to the family, the only place where they are treated as they come to expect or demand. The rest of the world does not treat them so well and so they often become frightened or resentful of the way people outside the family treat them. They usually complain about other people incessantly. They often have to find friendships within the family, including with the Narcissistic parent who has the same problems with the rest of the world. Thus, they continue to lose independence from the family, unlike the Hero who has been given the confidence and resources they need to succeed and represent the family in the best light possible.